I guess I won’t give a shizz no more
My life :)
I feel so conflicted and depressed. Matt (my fiance) told me Thursday that he feels like he’s treading water with me and at times like it’s just better to give in and drown. We’re only a year into our relationship and he already feels this way. RED FLAG NUMERO UNO. I will not be the woman who’s husband leaves her 20 years down the road because she’s drowned him. I gave him the option to leave. I mean nothing’s set in stone. It’s not to late to turn back now. After talking I went and took a bath and started talking to the old Matt (read previous blog posts, you’ll understand who I’m talking about). He talked me down, off the cliff that I felt like I was dangling from. He’s the only one that’s ever known how because he has PTSD too. We used to be that 2am phone call for each other when we’d have a nightmare. He made me feel sane. Now all I ever do is question my sanity.
My fiance is an amazing man. He’s very easy going, and is too nice of a guy to ever leave. But he’s battling my ptsd too. And it sucks. I know he tries to understand and that’s why we go to counseling. But he doesn’t listen to me when I tell him not to interrogate me when I’m upset or angry. I can’t always explain why I feel the way I do. When I do calm do, I explain it everytime.
We later talked Friday, I told him I was questioning everything, whether or not we should get married or push the wedding. He said he used a bad analogy and that I’m crazy for thinking that way. He’ll never give up on our relationship and the wedding is still happening. So we’re still getting married come September.
I’ve been battling heavy depression though. I was going to school Spring, Summer, and Fall term. But my grades slipped drastically Summer when my fiance left for two weeks for AT. I didn’t want to leave my house. Then this last term I thought I was over all my symptoms, until I had a panic attack just putting my jacket on to leave the house. And I got frusterated because it’s supposed to be gone by now, I shouldn’t be having these problems. And it continued to snow ball into full blown hysterics. I started emailing my teachers telling them about my issues and if I could take tests later or makeup the work. But after the fifth time I gave up. I stopped showing up. The stress of the makeup essays on top of the essays that were already due, on top of finals, on top of everything else made me feel, unexplainable. Like being set on fire and drowned at the sametime. And telling my Fiance I couldn’t do school was impossible. He told me I was giving up but, he didn’t know the internal struggle. Even after I explained my guts out. I didn’t matter. It felt like he believed I was bluffing. Like the times you say you’re sick cause you don’t want to work out. But this time I really am sick.
My counselor is a hippie that doesn’t believe in medicine. When I told her that I was having trouble going to school. Or found myself having panic attacks even just walking into the building. She told me to start looking around and noticing the trees around me. Or to listen to my ipod *which is a big no no for me*. Since she wouldn’t prescribe me anti anxiety meds I decided to use alcohol as my way of coping. I remember having two double shots before going to school and walking past one of the trees thinking “Fucking Tree”. In the long run, it didn’t work. My conservative Fiance didn’t want me becoming an alcohlic. Which he’s right.
Now I have no plans. Except the wedding preparations. And I think that’s even killing me more. Since my parents are divorced and hate each other it makes it extremely difficult on how to figure things out. Not to mention, since my Mom and I had our huge fight, it’s really opened my eyes to things. (In a nutshell: My Mom’s boyfriend grows and sells Marijuana illegally. Now I wouldn’t have a problem with this except for the fact that she was letting me live in this studio above where they were doing it and having me pay 600 bucks a month. And lieing to me about the whole thing. I had all the proof too. The text messages and everything. She even brought my recovering drug addict brother into the whole mess. He was the runner. Not to mention her ex husband, my father, is Deputy Chief of the police department. No joke. So needless to say I grew angry when I found out the truth. My Mom proceeded to tell me how disappointed in me she was, so I ran to my Dad. “Here’s you’re meal ticket out of alimony”. Except I didn’t give him the text messages or anything. My phone wouldn’t send it, the file sizes were too big. And later on my Aunt talked me out of it. I decided to stay out of it and just focus on my relationship. My siblings who are all narcissists like my Mother, decided to turn their backs on me because of everything. The last I heard from my oldest sister was Matt (my fiance) wasn’t welcome in the family, right after he proposed. And my Mom’s whole side of the family think I’m crazy because she’s fabricated this big lie that I’ve broken up the family because of my own Marijuana use. Which of course is bullshit, but it doesn’t matter.) So things are definitely…’rough’.
My Fiance (Matt, or Mr. Rogers), his family is very conservative. Very Christian. I love it because they’re like the family I never had. Except a little ackward. Seeing as I have tattoos and slip a curse word every so often. It was even more ackward when I moved in with him, which is definitely against they’re views. His sister didn’t move in with her husband until after the wedding (they never even kissed). They still think we live in seperate rooms.
I’ve had a lot of trouble though with the old Matt. I still think of him. I’ve tried to get rid of him but always find myself running back to him for everything. I know I’m still in love with him but I can’t be. I’m in love with my fiance. It’s just so damn hard. I’m struggling trying to stay floating above water. I have the perfect man. The one girls dream of. But I feel so toxic for him sometimes. Like this shouldn’t be his life. He should be with the girl that doesn’t have rapid mood swings, and gets angry for no reason. A girl that doesn’t have to sit in the back of the church and gets angry if he makes her sit elsewhere. And I want more then anything to be her, and I keep trying but it’s so hard. I just keep getting worse. And our fights just keep getting worse.
What do I do?