SUPER EXCITED! I’m training for a half marathon coming up this September with my stepmom and stepsister. And I’ve managed to lose 10 pounds in the process of it all! There’s no way I’d be able to do it without my stepmom and stepsister who run with me 3 times a week right now. They keep my anxiety in check. My boyfriend also got his dog for the summer, so now I have someone to keep me company during the day and suprisingly he makes me feel safer than my boyfriend does at night. I took him for a walk the other day in our neighborhood for the first time ever, which was huge for me because I refuse to do anything by myself. I still had my pepperspray and my oversized pocket knife with me, but we walked the whole block!
Within the passing months of me being retired out of the navy and moving back home. I moved back in with my Mom. And I basically lived with my boyfriend, we went back and fourth between his place and my Mom’s. Until I moved into this loft my Mom’s boyfriend let me rent out for 600 bucks. I was so excited to have my own refuge, I didn’t realize how big of a rip off living in my Mom’s backyard for 600 bucks was. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend and his roommate. But things have been increasingly difficult. I can’t be away from him for very long. I rely on him to go to sleep at night, and even at that sleeping sucks. I mean it’s a lot better then being alone but I wake up and have slapped him because I see his outline and think it’s someone else. I nearly punched him in the face because he put his arm around me while I was sleeping. Or I wake up and see his face in front of me and scream. It sucks and he no longer cuddles with me at night. Which makes me sad because I want it but I can’t control my reactions. I realize how much I rely on him and it scares me so much. The only thing I’ve done for myself since I’ve been back is go to school. But I have my friend walk me to and from my truck everyday. I can’t be alone. And when I’m home all the doors are locked and I’m stuck in the bedroom until my boyfriend comes home. I scheduled an appointment to see a VA doc…hopefully they’ll get back to me soon. I know I’m doing something wrong. My boyfriend is a really sweet guy, he does all the right things. But I constantly fight with him for no reason. I feel like he always has ulterior motives. It’s frustrating because it makes him feel like I can’t trust him. And I can…sometimes it’s just hard.